10 Things That Won’t Be Announced at E3
E3 will be on us very shortly and Controller1.com would like to prognosticate one what you WON’T be reading about come the first week of June. This is not the result of rumor, heresay or the result of a dodgy phone camera shot of a Best Buy POS terminal. This is pure 100% bullshit. You do know how to spot bullshit, don’t you? It’s easy. Read on…
1- Nintendo will announce the Wii 2 HD console without Motion controllers, merely a redesigned N64 controller with more spikes. The Big N has listened to the whining whims of hard care gamers and is ditching the mass market with millions of easy sales of Wii fit and WiiPlay. Instead, they will focus on the shrinking marketshare that ‘core’ games that are currently divvied up between Sony and MS.
2- A Japanese game without hypersexualised pedo-bait female characters will be released. RE5 will offer new unlockable raincoat costumes for Shiva. DLC for X-Blades will include a petticoats and hoop-skirts. I do declare!Dead or Alive Extreme 3 will feature the ladies in a new environment- Open Cut Coke Mining.
3. EA will be bought by Midway
Take one company that’s big but losing a bit of money. Take another company that’s on its last knees. Midway buying EA would be like Quebec buying France. But that won’t stop Midway’s bat-shit loco insane management from giving it a go.
4. Microsoft announces a new model Xbox 360- The Bulletproof. This new model is guaranteed by Microsoft nit to break down in any way. It will never RROD or display an E74. It also has no DVD Drive, power supply, CPU, GPU or wireless receiver. It is not backwards compatible with Xbox 1 games, but its also not present-compatible with Xbox 360 games. But its not breakable.
5. Ubisoft announces a game produced by Jade Raymond that will not be demoed on stage by Ms Raymond, but by the games’ designer. Jade’s a talented lady but we’ve seen enough. Show us the dirty smelly bearded nerd.
6. Boothbabes who can stand up without developing lower back pain within 10 minutes.
7. A new Super Mario Bros game for the DS will be announced. Yes, Nintendo will actually make a second Mario platforming game on the DS. All New Super Mario Brothers will be more of the same. No Baby Mario, Wario or Yoshi. Just Mario and Luigi jumping on things.
8. a PlayStation 3 killer application. Yes, a reason for you fence sitters will be announced at E3. Unlike Heavenly Sword, Lair, Haze, MGS4, Little Big Planet or Killzone2, this will actually excite no PS3-owning gamers with two jobs to take the plunge.
9. A Twitter feed of a press conference without LOL, OMFG or Woot being used when sequel x91 is announced for mega-successful franchise y39 is announced.
10. Controller1.com’s game of show will be an MMO.
wat?
