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Children’s Letters To…

Children write letters to Santa, The Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and, in the case of kids whose folks work at EA, John Riccitello.  Sometimes they get a response and sometimes their parents get laid off. This week, the Post Office breaks all privacy laws and ignores any sense of common human decency to show us kids’  letters to their favorite videogame characters.

Metal Gear’s Solid Snake  is one such recipient of children’s adulation, exemplified by nine-year old Mary-Marie Ryan

“Dear Snake,

I have played all of the Metal Gear games ever since the debut of the series on the MSX computers. I recently got Metal Gear 4 and noticed you look quite old. Maybe you should stop smoking before you die? Also, I like cats. Do you like cats?

Mary-Marie”

Solid Snake’s curt response really says it all

“Metal Gear?”

Six- year old Simon Greenblatt wrote to Toad from the Mario games

“Sup Toad?

Dude, what up with you and Peach man?  She be some fine honey, why ain’t you hit that yet?  You scared of Mario?  That fat pipe jockey?  Sheeeeeet son, you got gallons of suave on that spaghetti slurper.  I’ve seen the way she looks at you man, you’re in.  Don’t trip, you and her should rock it with Daisy and I sometime.

Peace!
-Simon B”

Mabel, aged 11 emailed her favourite Street Fight character

“Dear Miss Li

My mum has thighs just like yours. They are very big and muscular. My mom says the doctors says its a thyroid problem and she’s receiving treatment for this condition. I thought you might like to see a doctor in case your Thyroid has a problem like my mom’s big thighs. My dad, who has mysteriously broken his pelvis several times, says its like being with Xenia Onatopp, but I don’t get what he means by that.”

Eight year old Jerry send a letter to his favourite character Vault Boy

“Dear VB,

I very much enjoyed your appearance in Fallout 3. Can I also get Fallout 1 and 2 on my playstation 3? Your adventures have inspired me and every night, I say a prayer hoping a nuclear holocaust will devastate the globe so that I might one day live in a bomb shelter. Either that or join an Emo band and sing songs about death.”

12 year old Tina H writes to Faith from Mirror’s Edge

‘Heya Faith,

I really like that tatoo you’ve got on your face. Its just so stylish and fasionable and I know after having seen my big brother play your game that I want just that look when I go back to school. My mom’s being a real cunt about me getting a tattoo like you’ve got so I put a hot iron on my face, giving myself first degree burns. Do you like Fallout Boy? When I get out of these pressure bandages, I’d like to go see them in concert.

XOXO Tina’

Faith writes back

“Hey, Tina. Its actually just black makeup and I don’t listen to much Fallout Boy. Hope you’re face heals soon

F.”